Happy shoulda, woulda, coulda.
Today marks the 6th anniversary of what was. And now...what is? I am less able to answer that question than I was a year ago, when we were still freshly broken up.
I believe you've recently read what was left for you in your storage box, which puts you at somewhat of an advantage, since I no longer remember the exact words or sentiments. If memory serves, both letters were along the lines of "I love you...Why don't you love me the same? WTF?". But, that is an indirect recollection.
Is it wrong that I think those questions are less answered now than they were when I wrote them?
For those who are not in the loop, I loved him. With every fiber of my being. So much so that all I saw in my future was him. There was other stuff, of course, but he was the only defined thing that I saw and knew I wanted. And I still do. Though, I am admittedly confused about how much is about him and how much is about "us" and my recollection of what "we" were. How do you let go of your future? And should you?
I believe I wrote that I looked forward to the day when I stopped caring. But, that hasn't happened yet. Will it ever? Those are the thoughts that haunt me. What if I never stop caring? What if I always regret walking away?
A classmate of mine recently described (wistfully) waiting for her boyfriend to propose. How could I crush her dreams with my own reality? I kept my mouth shut. She's given 6 years. Maybe she's better than me, with my 4 and a half. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...perhaps I should have given that without any stipulations of legal bonds or rings. Who will ever know? Was your indecision right? Was my insistence wrong?
I didn't ask for much. Not a ring, not a date. Just a promise to love me. And all you could say was "I don't know." The women who'd been in similar, even longer situations, marveled and applauded my "strength" in walking away. I'm not sure now if it was strength or weakness.
I love you. How much is loving you and how much is loving what we were...I don't know. I wish there were some way to right everything, to know which path was the right one. To receive some sign. But, there is only life, lived every day, moving in some direction away (?) from who we were together and who we could have been. Which makes me so sad, because we were always so happy. And despite all the confusion and indecision, I know that I will always love you, even when I shouldn't.