Interesting thought found on the interwebs...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully 'round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, inpenetrable, irredeemable." --C.S. Lewis

New Year's Horoscope

I'm a cusp baby, straddling Capricorn and Aquarius, so I'm not sure which horoscope to follow. Fortunately, both sound pretty exciting this year:

CAPRICORN You begin the year with Mars, the kick-butt, take-names planet, in your sign. Resolutions carry cosmic power. Expect significant changes in 2009. An alliance (personal or professional) has recently emerged. (Or, if it hasn't, it soon will). In other words, if you're not already involved in a partnership, here comes capital "L" life to shake you up. Circle Jan. 10 on your calendar -- the night you discover why you've become a new and different person. Look forward to the second act -- a very dramatic one -- on July 7.

AQUARIUS Jupiter, CEO of expansion, is establishing residence in your sign for a year-long stay. Jolly Jupe supplies enthusiasm, expansiveness and luck to your life. He's a kind of cosmic Santa Claus who pushes you to learn new things, meet new people, get involved and go boldly where you've never gone before. You're supposed to be learning and growing through new experience. So expect the year ahead to be among the most exciting of your entire life. The new moon, in your sign, Jan. 25, offers one of the greatest decision making opportunities in your entire life. Then follows a power trip Feb. 4-March 13. You could conquer the world! Follow your bliss Aug. 5. Finally, expect to be a different person one year from now.

I'm getting my calendar out right now!

Oops...oh well, I'll blame it on school

I missed Haiku Wednesday yesterday...oops! But, I have a good excuse -- it was my last official day of the semester! Woohoo! (Nevermind the fact that I actually finished my last presentation the day before and just spent Wednesday hanging out with my classmates and professors drinking beers.)

There's so much excitement now, too. It's almost Christmas (when did that happen?), there's a giant snowstorm about to hit, and I get to go home in only a few more days! Before that happens, though, I get to go out with my girls for one last outing before we all go our separate ways for break. And, I'm have two hot dates coming up. One is between my ass and a stadium seat to finally see the new Bond flick (purrrrrr....also, yay to having time to go to the movies!! I may even go to a matinee...double yay!). The second is with the boy I went out with last week...just googled his name (so informative) and apparently he's a genius in just about everything. Wow....just wow. Smart is hot. Anyway, here's a belated haiku:

Winter wonderland,
Best when spent under covers,
Sleeping in all day.

Haiku Wednesday

Lost track of the days
In the midst of finals and
Such, but here I am!

Final exam and
A first date all in one day.
No rest for weary.

A first date alert!
All hands on deck, better get
this girl fixed up quick!

Horoscope

I love Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology horoscopes, partly because they're quirky and partly because they tend to make me think (which is something we can all stop to do more often). Here is my horoscope for this week:

From 1987 to 2006, Alan Greenspan was Chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve and a major force in shaping the world's most powerful economy. When the recent troubles hit, Congress called on him to testify. With shocking humility, he confessed that there had been a flaw in his model of reality. All those years he'd believed that "free, competitive markets are by far the unrivaled way to organize economies." Now he saw he was wrong. While I'm sorry for the collective pain his mistaken ideas have unleashed, I'm elated for him personally: How many 82-year-old men are open to the possibility that their philosophy of life needs adjustment? For that matter, how many people of any age are receptive to changing their ideas about how the world works? I invite you to take your inspiration from Greenspan, Capricorn. Be curious about how your own major theories might need revision. Doing this heroic deed will energize you with good karma and fresh mojo.

Time to think about my own major theories...

Thanksgiving

I can't let Thanksgiving weekend wrap up without a post about what I'm
thankful for. Here's a short list of some of the things that make my
life complete.

I'm thankful for:
friends, family, my health, and all those things that everyone always
says when they go around the table
black tea lattes
moisturizer
fleece blankets
living in the first world
cabs
puppies
premium vodka
hash browns
weekends
the internet
naps
dark chocolate covered anything
lint rollers
remote controls
christmas lights
color
boutiques
grilled onions on burgers
book stores
laughter
bridges
sunsets
lilacs, peonies, and tuberoses
baby feet
board games
vintage
celebratory pitchers
down anything
cheap plane tickets
friends, family, my health, and all those things that everyone always
says when they go around the table and really truly mean

The Gambler

Been trying to figure you out for the last six years. Think it's time
for me to stop? Kenny Rogers was right, but how do you know which
choice to make?

Thoughts

Dear You,

Happy shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Today marks the 6th anniversary of what was. And now...what is? I am less able to answer that question than I was a year ago, when we were still freshly broken up.

I believe you've recently read what was left for you in your storage box, which puts you at somewhat of an advantage, since I no longer remember the exact words or sentiments. If memory serves, both letters were along the lines of "I love you...Why don't you love me the same? WTF?". But, that is an indirect recollection.

Is it wrong that I think those questions are less answered now than they were when I wrote them?

For those who are not in the loop, I loved him. With every fiber of my being. So much so that all I saw in my future was him. There was other stuff, of course, but he was the only defined thing that I saw and knew I wanted. And I still do. Though, I am admittedly confused about how much is about him and how much is about "us" and my recollection of what "we" were. How do you let go of your future? And should you?

I believe I wrote that I looked forward to the day when I stopped caring. But, that hasn't happened yet. Will it ever? Those are the thoughts that haunt me. What if I never stop caring? What if I always regret walking away?

A classmate of mine recently described (wistfully) waiting for her boyfriend to propose. How could I crush her dreams with my own reality? I kept my mouth shut. She's given 6 years. Maybe she's better than me, with my 4 and a half. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you...perhaps I should have given that without any stipulations of legal bonds or rings. Who will ever know? Was your indecision right? Was my insistence wrong?

I didn't ask for much. Not a ring, not a date. Just a promise to love me. And all you could say was "I don't know." The women who'd been in similar, even longer situations, marveled and applauded my "strength" in walking away. I'm not sure now if it was strength or weakness.

I love you. How much is loving you and how much is loving what we were...I don't know. I wish there were some way to right everything, to know which path was the right one. To receive some sign. But, there is only life, lived every day, moving in some direction away (?) from who we were together and who we could have been. Which makes me so sad, because we were always so happy. And despite all the confusion and indecision, I know that I will always love you, even when I shouldn't.

With love,
Me

Haikus

Too busy to haiku lately, but lots going through my head.  Some thoughts aren't even in metered form!  Watch out...real blog posting coming soon.

Wednesday Haiku

I am not your friend,

Dear Senator John McCain,

Please don't forget that.

It's Wednesday....and I'm writing a Haiku!

If no one reads this,
Did it happen? Did I speak?
Do you still read me?

Okay...that was boring, here's another:

What is this weather?
Yellow leaves, cold nights, puddles.
So this is Autumn.

Wednesday Haiku

It's Wednesday today
And I'm actually here,
Writing about it.

So busy always,
Never stopping, even when
It comes time to play.

With all on my mind,
You still take hold there and keep
Coming back to me.

A craigslist haiku

I bought your TV,
But it was you I wanted
To take home with me.

Because I'll be too busy to post tomorrow and it's weighing on my brain

P.S., do you know?
I love you still. Time heals,
But does not erase.

A premature Wednesday haiku

Back from vacation,
New city, new life, new world,
But still the same me.

It's baaaack....

Yay for season 4! These are the real summer games!

Memory and Time

I don't remember when I stopped loving him, but I do remember when I started. I don't remember why I couldn't find the time to stay in touch, but I remember when I waited breathlessly for his phone calls. I don't remember what my last words to him were, but I do remember what it felt like to hear his voice jump and reach over those miles upon miles of telephone lines. I don't recall why I wanted out, or what finally prompted that decision, or how much I cried about that specifically, but I remember how much he hurt. I do remember that. Remember his broken-hearted look six months later and again, still broken-hearted, three years later. I remember running into him at the bar, surprised that he'd come into town without telling me; stumbled upon him, me in a cowboy hat and rhinestone necklace and big, dark sunglasses, laugh caught halfway down my throat as I came into the room and him, the usual black raincoat and conservative clothes, hair cropped close, face stricken as if he'd seen a ghost. I do remember that.

Smell and memory

I know it was baby lotion, but for some reason I was expecting vanilla, so it was vanilla I had a reaction to. It was a soft, sweet smell, nonetheless. I am 18, almost 19 in a few days, and I am standing by myself in my best friend's bedroom. I'm holding the itchy wool v-neck sweater that I lent her a few months back, clutching it in my left hand as I stand at her bookshelf and gently finger the photos and trinkets there with my right hand. The house is silent. I smell her vanilla perfume. I inhale deeply; it is a smell I will remember for the rest of my life, with which I will associate all sweet, faintly perfumed smells. I will be struck by the memory it conjures at inconvenient times in inappropriate locations. I will put it on myself to savor the familiarity, yet fight back tears when smelling it on others. This heady, wholesome, youthful smell will always stay heady, wholesome, and youthful in my mind, just as my dear friend will always stay 17.

Wednesday Work Haiku

 

Didn't think I could

Be more stressed than I was, but

You have pulled it off.

Today's Horoscope

Everyone has to reinvent themselves and now it’s your turn. Embrace the spirit of adventure.